I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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