I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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