I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
