i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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