peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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