and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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