1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
BRING THE BAGELS
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
