it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
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I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
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My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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