giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
