It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
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And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
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Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who