we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
