you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
