I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
