i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
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