I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
