I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Randomize
