I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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