i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
