Apparently you make a good broom.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
