I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
