You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize
