Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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