I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I think I sprained my soul last night
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
