Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
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