i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Randomize
