Porn is love you can see.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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