If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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