This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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