First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
