if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
