My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
Success! We fucked roommates!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
