I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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