shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
