My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
