i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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