I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
