Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
