i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
