I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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