The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Randomize
