I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
