If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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