Pants 0. Shit 1.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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