oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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