So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
