I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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