I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Randomize
