Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
