Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
