Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
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She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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