Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
