On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
