don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
