If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
