if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
my poor anus
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
