I think my vagina is haunted
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
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I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
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That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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