I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
